Reader Question: Tank Tops On Trend for Guys?

{Tween heartthrobs Justin Bieber and Zac Efron in matching tank tops – don’t you hate it when that happens?}

A reader asks:

       “Tank tops. Guys. Thoughts?”

 

I do have thoughts on guys in tank tops, thank you for asking! So, so many thoughts.

Most of them – sorry to say – are bad. No, wait, all of them are bad.

Here’s what I don’t like about a guy sporting a tank top: it somehow manages to make you look like you’re trying really hard to look cool – which is painfully ironic since this particular item of clothing makes it easier to actually stay cool. Like Alanis lamented, it’s like raaay-ee-yaaaain on your wedding daaaaay (and so on…)

Why? Because: On a guy, a tank top feels “fashion-y” rather than stylish. 

When I think of guys who wear tank tops, I think of:

1. hipster bros in Brooklyn wearing theirs with jeans tighter than mine (which, if it’s hot enough to wear a tank top, shouldn’t you be in shorts?) – the tank tops made of that faux-distressed material that’s supposed to look older than they are but was actually purchased at Urban Outfitter’s summer sale a week ago, ….OR…
2. retail employee bros who stand outside the Hollister store in Soho wearing lifeguard outfits so middle school girls visiting the city on their end of year class trip can take pictures with them and satisfy their tween libido. You know those guys. Nobody likes those guys.

Beyond that, and maybe this sounds unfair, but you wearing a tank top feels like you’re co-opting my closet a little bit. Just like I’m not trying to throw on a pair of double monks, there’s stuff I leave to you to wear, and there’s things you leave to me. And I’m not really feeling the idea of you and me taking on the day together looking like twinsies. If I have on a tank top, and you have on a tank top, and I have on cut-off jean shorts; and you have on cut-off jean shorts; and I have on sandals, and you have on sandals, well…I’m going to make you change something so we’re not looking like two peas in a pod (same color family, though, is fine). Actually, there’s a positive – in this scenario, the sandals bother me the least!

That said, I hate to harp on the stuff I don’t like here – that’s no fun, and just makes me sound like a bummer, so let me take this opportunity to direct you to some sleeved-summer tops I really like on guys! Go here, here, a-a-a-a-n-d here.

WAIT // AND!

I almost forgot: I do have one big loophole on my “no tank tops” position – basketball jerseys.

More specifically, o-o-o-o-l-d basketball jerseys.

Man, do I love a good throwback basketball jersey. Ewing with the Knicks? Own it. Ray Allen with the Bucks? My brother has one hanging in his closet right now, and I am ALL FOR IT. The older the better.

I’m not talking about the Jeremy Lin jersey you’re cursing Jim Dolan with (though in a few years that will look super rad). Because the way I feel about current players basketball jerseys is the same way I feel about current players football jerseys, or current players hockey jerseys (are they called jerseys in hockey?) – jerseys of players still playing should be confined to the arena on the day of a game, and even then…well, I just think there are better ways to spend your money.

Now go forth, and bare arms – responsibly.

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