How to Sleep with Someone: Tips on How to Share a Bed

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Made you click! While that’s a conversation for another day, I’m here right now on Beyoncé’s internet to talk to you about actually sleeping with someone. As in, “Oh my god there’s an entire person next to me and we need figure out how to share a bed for the next six to eight hours!” sleep with someone.

Here’s the truth: I have historically been a terrible, terrible co-sleeper.

As a woman in her Sex and the City years, I’ve spent literally tens of thousands of nights in a bed alone — almost never compromising on space (I want all of it) or temperature (keep it arctic). My typical bedtime routine has consisted of engaging in some light Restless Leg Syndrome-induced wriggling after hitting play on an old episode of Frasier to help me drift off.

Well, guess what. My new boyfriend prefers a warm room, complete silence, and perhaps most annoyingly, some space of his own to stretch out and drift off.

And once his gorgeous head hits the pillow? Poof! He’s off to dreamland.

Not me. Here’s how it usually goes: The presence of a body beside me immediately activates my anxiety. I feel squished and hot. I feel like I can’t move or make a sound, for fear of disturbing and annoying my partner.

Apart from the loving partner part, it’s a nightmare.

I end up tossing and turning self-consciously, passing the hours in an uncomfortable position with my AirPods stuck in my ears, praying the dulcet tones of Kelsey Grammer’s Dr. Frasier Crane will eventually lull me to sleep.

Obviously this kind of restless behavior wasn’t sustainable. If I wanted to share a bed with this lovely man and sleep through the night, I would have to figure it out.

And so began my quest to make my single lady bed a place where two people could genuinely rest.

The good news? I wear a sleep tracker, and the data doesn’t lie! After employing the tips below, my sleep quality when he’s staying over has improved.

I’m falling asleep easier, and we’re both getting some quality side-by-side Zzz’s.

Keep scrolling for my hard-earned tips for how to share a bed and sleep with someone more soundly.

Sweet dreams, here you come!

tuft and needle mattress on a wooden bedframe in a bedroom with two nightstands, all on an area rug — Tuft & Needle Original Hybrid Mattress, starting at $995

1. Size matters

Invest in a high-quality mattress that is big enough for two grown adults.

There’s simply no bigger or smarter investment you can make in your sleep than a good mattress that comfortably fits the two people sleeping on it.

If one of you is a wiggly worm like me, look for an option that specifically offers motion control between sleepers, like Tuft & Needle’s Original Hybrid mattress.

Not feeling the other person get up for a glass of water in the night? Priceless!

Upgrading from a full to a queen mattress with the aforementioned motion mitigation has absolutely changed the game for us, and I bet it will for you, too. Those extra few inches on all sides allow us to lay comfortably beside each other, with neither person feeling like they’re moments from rolling off the edge.

The bigger bed also helps us manage our temperature issues. With enough space to shift around, we avoid each other’s body heat which is essential, as my boyfriend likes to cosplay as a furnace after 9pm.

2. Load up on pillows and throws

Before I was having regular sleepovers, the four pillows and one quilt on my bed were perfect. When my boyfriend started staying the night, I was annoyed that I had to bequeath to him some of my beloved bedding!

So while it might seem excessive, I am now a five bed pillow and three throw blanket person.

My boyfriend gets a dedicated set of two pillows, and the other three are mine to arrange as I like. We each get a blanket (on top of the comforter that’s there), with a “just in case” throw at our feet.

This way I don’t feel like I’m compromising my usual sleep habits, and we each get to live out our cozy princess and the pea dreams.

3. Supersize your pillows

While not totally necessary, I can’t even begin to tell you what an oh-so-lovely sleeping experience it is to have king-size pillows for your bed.

Truly, I cannot recommend enough swapping your standard pillows for king size ones. Aesthetically they make your bed look more full and cozy, and more surface area for snoozing? What could be better!

Plus, it’s nice to sometimes have a snuggle with both your heads comfortably on the same pillow!

Just note that unless you have a king mattress and are already purchasing king-size sheets sets, you may have to buy separate pillowcases to fit these oversized cushions.

4. Set up nightstands on both sides of the bed

A nightstand on either side of the bed allows both people to have their evening necessities close at hand. Bonus? It looks grown-up!

When you’re not living together just yet, but spending a lot of time together, this is an especially thoughtful gesture. Having a phone charger, a lamp and room for a glass of water is a great place to start, as is having the phone charger already set up for your favorite guest!

Pinched for space? Stack coffee table books on one side of the bed for a stylish and makeshift resting area.

5. Identify multiple exit points

If you have enough room for a nightstand on either side of the bed, you have enough room for each person to be able to exit the bed on their side.

If you don’t live in an expensive urban area like New York or San Francisco, this might sound obvious.

And if you do? It might not be possible! For ten years of my life in Manhattan, my bed had walls on three sides, after all.

Now, I live in a generously-sized studio apartment, and have achieved my dream of having a bed where I can get in and out on both sides.

This is living!

I legitimately sleep better knowing I don’t have to crawl over my boyfriend (or vice versa) to visit the loo or sneak a midnight snack.

6. Create a soundscape that works for both of you

As previously mentioned, my usual nighttime routine involves falling asleep to iconic Must-SeeTV classic Frasier.

I don’t actually watch it, but rather play it softly from my phone, face-down on my nightstand. I have a timer set to turn it off automatically after 40 minutes, which is usually plenty of time for me to drift off.

Weird? Sure. Effective? Definitely.

My boyfriend, however, cannot sleep with sound. And if I try to listen with AirPods, not only is it bad for my aural health, it’s really uncomfortable and just doesn’t work.

Our co-sleeping solve? A white noise machine for him, and a bluetooth sleep mask for me.

The white noise helps settle his mind and block out the endless cacophony in New York, and the sleep mask syncs to my phone and plays my beloved Frasier so that only I can hear it.

Ultimately, learning how to share a bed can feel like a marathon, not a sprint.

I still flop from front to back like a fish out of water, which annoys my boyfriend to no end. And we still argue about things like how wide to crack the window, and when to turn out the lights. (spoiler alert, I usually get my way!).

In the meantime, learning how to share a bed and making these slight adjustments along the way has led to dreamier nights for us both. And I bet they’ll help you, too!