Did that intentionally cheesy headline grab you? Good.

Now’s where we hit you with the bait and switch, revealing that the intel you need to become a total stud in the bedroom is all about mushy feeling stuff. Think emotional labor, not physical prowess. 

We’re talking: learning how to talk about sex so you can communicate openly and honestly with your partner, taking care of your mental health, and even consulting a doctor or therapist as needed. Barf, right? Too bad, you’re already here. Might as well read on.

As an fyi, you’ll find references and examples given here in a heteronormative way (he/she), since here at SG HQ, we’re a team of mostly straight women speaking to a mostly straight male audience. Feel free to replace pronouns in your head to make these tips better resonate with you!

Ready to adopt a more nuanced approach to sexual performance, and pleasure?

Great! 

First thing’s first:

1. Good sex starts outside of the bedroom.

…Aka, how to talk about sex

And not in the “sticking your hand up her skirt on the Uber ride home from the restaurant” way (though, do that too, if it works for you two!)

We’re talking about talking. Don’t wait until you’re in the throes of passion to communicate your wants and needs, or ask her for hers.

In fact, it’s a good idea to talk about sex stuff when you’re in a totally mundane situation to make sure you’re both in the headspace to have the conversation. 

While putting away the dishes, say, or watching your kid’s soccer game. 

This goes for sexy sex stuff—I want to do this to you later, I love it when you XYZ me—which has the added bonus of getting you both excited for a later, clothes-free interaction.

But also the not-so-sexy sex stuff!

Think: bringing up the weird bump you recently found near-but-not-on your junk (what is that?), or the fact that the pandemic has cratered your sex drive to “living vicariously through Bridgerton”-levels of low. 

You can’t have good sex unless you’re on the same page with your partner about what good sex looks like for both of you.

2. Acknowledge external factors impacting your enjoyment

Speaking of getting on the same page…expecting two humans with complex inner lives informed by unique lifetime experiences and distinct everyday existences to magically come together for some blissful va va voom-time every time? That’s a tall order.

There’s so much emotional junk we all bring into the bedroom with us but too often don’t acknowledge. 

The crap day she had at work. The credit card payment you’re not sure you can make on time this month. The creeping awareness that you haven’t felt truly happy in months and find it nearly beyond your ability to drag yourself into the shower each morning. 

You know, normal stuff. 

It’s up to each partner to take ownership of what might be keeping them from feeling – and performing – their best.

3. Then, do something about it.

Taking stock of what’s keeping you from having a good time in the bedroom is not enough. You’ve gotta take the next step. Maybe it’s time to update your resume and start searching for a job you don’t hate, or have a tough conversation with your siblings about your parents’ retirement savings (or lack thereof).

Maybe your stuff is more directly tied to performance, and it’s time to get started with hims. 

Get that ED prescription, charge up a toy, or talk to a therapist.

Whatever it is that’s keeping you from getting off, get on it.

4. Set your ego aside

Much like not caring if you look “cool” when trying new fashion trends, you’ve gotta set your pride aside in matters of mating. 

No one knows what’s going on in you and your partner’s sex life except you and your partner. 

Sounds obvious, right? But some of us act like everyone from our parents to god to our neighbors can tell our sexual predilections just by looking at us.

Well, depending on how sheer your shades are, maybe your neighbors can. 

But forget about them! Whatever you are into, it’s okay as long as your partner is game, too. 

Similar to sporting a knit polo shirt, or high top sneakers you aren’t quite sure you can pull off, as long as you like it, that’s enough. 

---

Read more from this series: How to Nail the Post-Covid Glow-Up, A Finasteride Primer, What to Expect From a Telehealth Visit