The Best Relationship Advice I Learned From Scientology

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There’s one communication strategy to improve relationships that I think about almost every day, and I got it from Scientology.

Don’t worry. I’m not an OT on the Bridge to Total Freedom. And I’m definitely not here to woo you into the L.Ron Hubbard church of wackiness. There will be no aliens or e-meters.

No, I’m just a lapsed Catholic who found herself whacked in the face with some unexpectedly sage wisdom watching Going Clear a few years back.

In the documentary, former members of the church talk about their experiences and why they left the controversial organization, revealing its strange practices and outright abuses.

In one memorable scene (for me, anyway), a former female member is interviewed. She’s talking about how there were some good things she learned, too. Not in defense of her time with the church, exactly, but more of an explanation for why she stayed as long as she did.

Members received relationship counseling, she said. For instance, they were advised not to interrupt their partners, and she shared that she and her husband, another ex-Scientologist, continue to follow this guidance.

And…wow.

It opened my eyes to how often in our relationships, both personal and professional — from meetings at work to casual conversation with friends to arguing with a significant other — we don’t always wait our turn.

As someone who loves a good personal development moment, I committed to checking myself on interrupting in my own daily interactions.

Since then, here’s what I’ve noticed:

Too many guys out there are guilty of interrupting women and either have no clue they do it, or don’t care to change.

Don’t let that be you!

If you are interested in building strong, loving, and respectful relationships with women, I can tell you as a woman that scaling back your interrupting will have world-rocking results.

Because do you know how often men interrupt women? All. The. Time.

Women get interrupted every day by the men in their orbit. On Zoom. In line at the salad place for lunch. On first dates. In marriages.

According to Axios, this habit goes all the way to the top. The publication reported that Supreme Court justices are far more likely to interrupt a female attorney during oral arguments than a male attorney, according to a study analyzing four decades of court transcripts.

Not a great track record.

Relationship specialist and author of What Are We Really Fighting About? How to Transform Conflicts into Conversations Lisa Brateman agrees that men have work to do.

“Being a chronic interrupter is like if someone is chronically late. Whether it’s intentional or not, it’s disrespectful.”

So, how can you break the habit of interrupting women?

You can always ask for help. Say to your partner (or close friend or work wife..anyone you trust to be honest with you), “Hey, can you check me when I interrupt you?”

That is, if they’re not calling it out already. And if they are, then stop it!

But the job of curbing your interrupting women habit is ultimately yours to do.

You’re the one who has to want to hear what the other person has to say.

“Interrupting is about you,” says Brateman. “Listening is about the other person.”

And let me tell you: As a woman, you know when a man is just looking for the moment they can jump in. It’s not a good look.

Ultimately, interrupting shows a lack of interest, and is just plain disrespectful. You’re conveying, You don’t matter to the other person.

I know you don’t want that!

And look, I get it. As someone who wants not just the last word, but the first and middle, too — the whole sentence, really — the Scientology-approved communication strategy struck me hard.

Just look at the amount of em dashes I use in my writing. I interrupt myself in the middle of my own sentences!

In my own relationship, I try — try — to not just wait until my husband is finished speaking, but really stay present for what he’s saying.

I’m not just waiting for him to be done talking so then I get to talk.

…Okay, sometimes when he’s talking about his most recent golf scramble, I actually am waiting for him to be done talking. But that’s a different story.

If you can be different from other men in her life, even if you’re the sole example of what a conversation feels like without interruptions, be that for her.

How can you show you’re listening?

What can you do if you’re slowly realizing that you, too, should take a cue from a tax-evading sham corporation masquerading as a religion?

“Be more conscious,” says Brateman. “Be in the moment. Because when you interrupt, you’re not in the moment, you’re in the next moment.”

How can you do this? It’s simple, but also a challenge:

Pay attention to how much you’re talking versus how much the other person is talking.

You don’t want to kidnap the conversation.

Of course, any habit you want to change, it’s slow going, as any change of habit is.

“They have to do the emotional work,” says Brateman. “If you’re a chronic interrupter, ask yourself, Why am I doing this? How does it help? How does it hurt?”

And hey, a l’il therapy never hurt nobody if answering these questions on your own feels like a challenge.

The bottom line, according to Brateman?

“Listening is the most important aspect of a relationship. It’s more important than sex, than money, because if you’re not heard you’re not there.”